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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Batman says….

Happy Halloween Everybody!

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I want to send a bloggie CONGRATS to my little sister Kerry, who just got engaged this past week!  Yee-haw!  I finally get a cool brother-in-law…who, had my complete approval the moment I found out that he owns the Father Ted “Holy Trilogy” dvd set. “Feck!  Arse!  Drink!”

So Kerry and Jay…congrats, and here is a Happy Engagement gift for you:

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Out of Hiding…

It has been too, too long since I’ve posted.  I have so many excuses why there has been a complete absence of blogging, and to many of my dear friends, I have seemed to have dropped off of the planet.  There is truly only one good reason for this silence.

Now, for those of you who might not know, I suffered through a miscarriage and subsequent D&C this past January.  It was a rough patch for sure, as it came just a couple of months after my father passed away.  The experience left me scared, jobless (a whole other story) and just unsure of myself in general.  The emotional toll was so much worse than I could have ever imagined it might be.  I was unprepared to say the least.  One of the most difficult parts was the untelling.  An example: Douglas and I were married last November and I was 6 weeks along.  We  had planned our reception on March 1st here at our house with a lot of out-of-town guests.  Most everyone there knew that I had been pregnant, and recently miscarried, and there was nothing that produced more anxiety for me during that time than to have a house full of people who knew.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago.  I took a pregnancy test, and it said in bold digital (isn’t that weird?! Digital tests…hmmm…) letters: PREGNANT.  I ran into our bedroom, where our son, Sebastian was already on the bed and handed the stick to my mister.  Who looked at me in disbelief, and i looked right back at him with the same sentiment.  It wasn’t that we hadn’t been planning this, it was that until I heard the heartbeat…I kind of couldn’t let myself believe it.  It would hurt too, too much to have to go through what we went through earlier this year.  More imperatively, I didn’t feel like telling anyone else.  Even my family, or closest friends.

So, until this past Friday, when I had my second prenatal appointment, and they found the heartbeat of the baby, and I heard it with my own two ears!!!!!…I have been in my very own emotional,  physical, and bloggy hidey-hole.  Now that I am officially 11 weeks pregnant, I am ready to start knitting for the little one, wearing maternity pants, thinking about the birth, and trying to remember how to change a diaper!

So many other  things have happened in the time between my last post and this one. My grandfather passed away.  Sebastian started Kindergarten!  My dearest friends have decided to move to Vermont!  My little sister is moving to Chattanooga, TN (choo-choo!).  It’s been an entire year since my father passed away.  I love my mister more and more with each passing moment.  Life is hard.  Life is amazing.  xo, b

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sand and sea

just a little note to let you know that i am leaving for sf in a few hours.  for a handful of days.  my dear grandpa is quite ill and needs some cheering up. ( i’ve taken the liberty of writing down about 100+ memories of our adventures together, and hope to share a few of them with him. one of my favorites was remembering our walks in Orange Park together on overcast South San Francisco mornings, kicking the acorns from the eucalyptus trees back and forth…grandpa pretending we were playing soccer.)

you know, looking back at the losses myself and my family have endured in the past 10 months…i am in awe of the love that we share with each other… which has made each awful event; survivable.

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An Hour A Day

Well, here goes.  For an hour a day I plan on writing.  At this time, there is no goal as to WHAT I’ll be writing about, but to just keep it going.  Lists, thoughts, stories, poems, songs…I don’t think it matters much yet, just as long as I keep at it.

My favorite thing to do is to write lists.  About most anything really.  Laundry, groceries, life dreams, packing for trips to the country, lists about what I’d most like to be doing for the next week.  Those kinds of things.  I keep a little moleskin notebook with me at all times just for this purpose.  It was originally purchased so that I could write tiny poems inside of it, but it has turned into my to-do notepad.
Grocery lists are a common topic, as are various plants for the garden.  I could say that those are the main topics.  With a few addresses, phone numbers and song or two intermingled.  The notebook itself is of a journalist’s style.  It flips up and over, as if I’d be jotting down quotes from the Speaker of the House on it.

Today I picked up two new (to me) books and a magazine from Powell’s.  All on writing.  How to write, what to write, how to write something good…It is also my goal to read for an hour a day, separate from writing.  I hope to regain what has been lost over the past few years.  My imagination.   The two books I purchased were: “Writing for your Life” by Deena Metzger and “The Portable MFA in Creative Writing” by the New York Writers Workshop.  I already own, “On Writing Well”, “Writing Tools” and “A Triggering Town”.  I am determined to read through these next, forgoing the usual rounds of crafty and Russian types.  Oh!  I also snapped up a copy of “Poets and Writers” (for the ads in the back mostly).

Then, at about noon, Rodney and I drove to meet Douglas at his jobsite.  A nice old house in the Irvington district, the living room is the size of our house!  Douglas and I went for a walk around the neighborhood, and while he ate his sack lunch, we talked about our goals, money, the dog, Sebastian…a feeling of “WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?!?!” has been pervasive in our conversations of late.

What we talk about a lot in regards to our goals is music (the lack thereof at this point) moving to a tiny farmhouse, having kids, and making a living doing the things we love.  Making that happen.  Soon.

Douglas would like to make his music for a living, tour, and be able to write poetry.  I would love to be able to write, create, raise children, make music, and garden.

We need health benefits.

So how will we go about this?  What will be our starting point?  Should we even really try to bother doing these things?  Are some options more viable than others?  Have we made terrible decisions up to now?

In my heart of hearts, I believe life is beautiful.  Short, and amazing.  We have just a sliver of consciousness that I shudder to think we spent our entire adult lives worrying about making the mortgage, and not making music together.  At the same time, we have responsibilities.  We need: shelter, food, clothing, books, and the little things that make life fun and worthwhile.  To live a life that is rich, without the entrapments of being “rich”.

At Powell’s today I also filled out a job application. Working there would be a little bit of financial relief as well as the mental comfort of having benefits.  I hope that working at Powell’s would reveal to me the local community of writers that Portland holds.  It is time to plug into that dream.

In that vein, there is also Goddard College.  A BA in Creative Writing and a low residency program that is in WA State.  I think I would very much enjoy that if writing were to be my path.  That program seems like a decent way to go, and then onto an MFA?  Who in the heck knows?!?!  I enjoy so many things.  I often times find myself feeling terrible in that I can’t ever just decide.  Fortunately, I have Douglas, who is such an amazing support system.

I know that I have stories to tell.  I just need to take the time to let them loose.  To listen to myself.  To learn the craft of writing.  I suppose what I need the most is time…space.

Tomorrow?

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Well, Sebastian and I had a BLAST in Tennessee. (Even with the heat, chiggers, and ticks! Can I just say ticks gross me out….like reeeeeeeeally gross me out? EWWW! ) We had a fine time just relaxing and eating, having adventures, playing, and eating, and laughing, and eating some more. We didn’t do too much in the way of sightseeing, (Just being there is wonderful enough!) but I was able to go to the National Quilt Museum in Paducah, KY with my mom…and I LOVED it! Some of the quilts were unbelievable. So detailed, and original… I got really inspired to hop back onto my sewing machine. Time, as usual, flew by – and now that we are back home, we look forward to seeing grandma, grandpa, and auntie much, much, much sooner than later!

We arrived home Tuesday afternoon, happy to get back to life in the Great Northwest. I missed the mister IMMENSELY, and it felt good to be back home with my honey-bun.

Yesterday, what a day! I had a MILLION errands to run before the arrival of the newest member of our family. As Sebastian said, “I’m happy he chose us to live with!”. Douglas was wonderful with helping getting the house ready, even after a long day at work. When Rodney’s foster family arrived with him in tow, I had a wave of excitement wash over me…I just can’t wait to find out what kind of fun and mischief we’re all going to get into together! Rodney is a peach. A big, fat, funny, goofy, rambunctious peach, and what a sweetie! We all talked, took pictures, and watched the dogs run around. As we were saying our goodbyes yesterday, Alessandra (his foster mama) and I decided we need to have lots of doggie play-dates with her and her frenchie, Bucky. She even offered to dog-sit! Yippee!

After they left, I took Rodney out for a walk, and then it was back home and time to chill out. So much had just happened! We got all situated for bedtime…and although we had a few hiccups with our new routine… the little fellow did quite well..( He snores louder than anyone – or anything, I’ve ever heard. And that’s saying quite a lot indeed.)

This morning, when I woke up…there he was…bat ears and all…just staring at me with that, “Hi there! Hey! How’s it going? Are you ready for the day yet? Are you ready to feed me yet? Can you pet me now? Look how cute I am!!!!” look. It was adorable! Sebastian took him out into the yard before we left for school…and they had a blast running around and playing tug-o-war.

Currently Rodney is napping by my side…snoring. Loudly. Hooray for the four-legged creatures who make our lives so much fun!

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I have been neglecting the ol’ blog lately, but here are some pics of the quilt that I have been slowly but surely working on over the past month. Good news is that we finally have tracked down a new cord for our digital camera…hence, lots more blogging with pictures coming your way.

AND…

Happy Mother’s Day Sebastian…. you rock my world!! I feel so lucky to have you in my life.

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